Cyber dating

The notion is becoming more and more popular with our generation. Life being so busy. We place less importance on real face to face relationships and more on superficial ones. Getting to know someone in cyber space is more convenient, easier and a real time saver. You can do it whilst at work, during your lunch break or in your pyjamas wearing no makeup all alone at home. The pressure is less. You can be a bit more daring over text or e mail and discuss things you would never even think of saying were you sharing a nice glass of wine.  It lacks the intimacy of actually holding a real person’s hand or waking up next to someone whose company you enjoy. This is where the quick and easy e – lationship evolves a bit further. 

The friend with benefits. That lovely friend who you have always had a bit of a thing for but the timing was never quite right for the two of you to get together properly, and quite frankly you don’t think that the two of you will make a real relationship work. Or it may be as simple that you just don’t have the time to invest in a relationship.

I had a friend with benefits when I was in my mid twenties. It was great. No commitment, just fun. Whenever one of us started dating someone we would take a step back and go back to being friends with no benefits until both of us were single again. Then we would pick up where we left off. I must admit he became one of my best friends during our on and off three year non-relationship. I have never regretted a moment of it. I have not had a friend with benefits since. 

I have been considering acquiring one again. Purely because I don’t have the energy or the time to invest into a new relationship at the moment. I do know that when I meet the right guy, I will make the effort. In the meantime, it takes time to meet a new man, get to know him and all his eccentricities. Instead, I can have a non-relationship with someone I already know well, I know what his intentions are and above all I know he cares for me. No hassle, no fuss. I will be made to feel beautiful and loved without any of the obligations.

The reason I started considering this is because a friend of mine has put the offer on the table. His only rules: we may not fall in love and if we spend the night we have to leave by ten next morning. My only rules: No cuddling and make it seven the next morning, I have stuff to do. Whether I will take him up on his offer I do not know yet.

I will keep you posted.

Unrequited attraction

How do we keep getting so wrong? During the last week I had to do a difficult thing. I had to be honest about my feelings for a certain amazing man not only to myself, but to him. Our “potential” relationship came to that awkward moment, where one of the people involved in the relationship wants to know “where is this going?” and “what are we doing?”. Usually these questions come from the woman. Not this time. I kept avoiding the conversation. In hind sight it was probably due to the fact that if I had to think about it, I knew deep down what my honest answers would be.

He was different to my usual type. He was sweet, kind, quirky and strange in a good way. The man is insanely romantic and sends texts and e mails containing sentences that all women constantly wish men would tell them. The type that makes us go “ahhhh” and swoon. He is considerate and the rare breed of man who listens when you speak and wants to make you happy at all times.

Then why could I not make it work? Why didn’t it sweep me off my feet? This made me think of pheromones and how they are ultimately responsible for us liking the opposite sex. How can attraction then be a one sided thing? Surely if he liked my pheromones, I should like his? I am hugely confused by this. I would like to know how unrequited love or even one sided attraction works.

I am sad to see him go. He made it quite clear that he does not want to remain friends as he doesn’t want to be my friend. He is one of the few good ones left. The woman, who is fortunate enough to end up with him, is going to be a very spoilt, treated like a princess, adored woman. He is an amazing man. 

I am that girl

I am that girl. The girl who stays friends with her ex boyfriends. I think I am a sucker for punishment.

For years I never understood why people frowned upon this. I thought that I am being a mature adult, I can realise that a man may not be a good match romantically but that they are a good match as a friend. I have recently realised that this is complete rubbish. I should not be friends or even friendly with ex boyfriends. Regardless of how things ended, it is never a pleasant experience to see them with another woman. Nor is it good for my self-esteem to see them happy with someone else and have a long fulfilling relationship (that lasts longer than ours did). It probes the unthinkable question: what does she have that I don't? Surely she must do something to make him happy. I am yet to find out what that special ingredient is that I obviously lack. Staying friends or friendly also holds me back. Every time I have a conversation with them, it takes me back to when we were in fact a "we", and it just opens up old wounds. I fall in love with the idea I have of what we once were. Completely ignoring the bad memories though, naturally. I start thinking that maybe we will one day be a "we" again and that whoever he is with now is just a distraction for the time being. Silly, I know.

I am also the girl that loves a man who is completely emotionally unavailable. Or rather, men that are emotionally unavailable to me. They sure seem to be for other woman, usually the women they date right after me. Just not me. For some reason these men fascinate me. It may be the challenge. They are never dull or predictable. But, I know now, that sometimes predictable is good. It means you know where you stand and where you are heading. Unpredictable and closed off men may have been fun to date in my twenties, but as I head into my thirties, I want stable. I want to be secured in my relationship. I want a man who is not scared to utter the word "relationship".

When a man decides he is no longer interested in pursuing a relationship with me, I wish they would have a conversation with  me telling me why. It may help me with my future endeavours. We can treat it like an exit interview when you leave your job - a few quick questions and feedback as to how improve yourself. I think a standard form should be completed when a relationship ends.

I am still seeking a man who is mature enough to be in a grown up relationship with me. All I ask is for someone with the same witty sense of humour and companionship. Is that too much to ask for.....

Back to work I go

I was dreading the first week of work. Turns out I have not forgotten how to do everything and my brain can still function in a work related manner. My first day back, it felt like I had ice scream headaches, but only it was work headaches. My brain was asking why I wasn't reading a good book or watching something mindless on television. I got back into the swing of things and my holiday is already a distant memory as well as the rest and relaxation that came with it.

This is why I love holidays: You have an entire day stretching out in front of you that is mostly unplanned and you can fill it with whatever you wish. You can even decide to stay in bed all day if you choose, refuse to change out of your pjs and waste it eating all sorts of junk and watching absolute rubbish on television. Or on the flip side, you can decide to be productive, but in a fun way. When you have finally dragged your lazy body out of bed you may go down to the local shops and perve over the latest fashions and spoil yourself a little with a visit to the salon for a manicure. Lunch with the girls are always a winner. Before you know it, you have filled your day. Fabulous.

Then it's time to return to reality and this is what your day is like, well mine, not too sure about yours.
Wake up at an hour which, in my opinion, no one should actually know what the day looks like. Get ready for work whilst half asleep. Get into car, get frustrated with people on the road, ruining my day before my first cup of tea. Arrive at work. Slave away for a minimum of nine hours. At the arrival of "home time" I get extremely happy. Hit the gym and some days I meet some friends after. That is what a typical work day is like, we repeat this until those two blissful days we refer to as the weekend. Two days never seem long enough. A three day weekend would be much better.

I am back at the mills and I am still getting used to it.

May 2012 hold the best of times for all of you.

New Year, New Start

Last year was an adventure for me. It was my first year back in South Africa and mostly an adjustment period for me. Although I miss my life in the UK, I put on my big girl pants and made the best of it. I was determined to like living in Johannesburg. It was the first time I lived here and at first I was sceptical. A friend gave me some good advice: there’s a Johannesburg for everyone, you just need to find your Johannesburg. This turned out to be true. I found my niche. I reconnected with some old friends and made some new ones. I am fairly settled in this big city now, but I still miss the UK and everything I had there. Some days I wonder if I’ll ever stop missing it. I left amazing friends and my incredible boyfriend, the one person that I can truly say was the male version of me. We had the same quirks and hang ups and were generally considered to be a bit odd really. But together, we just fit.

This year is a fresh start. I am a people pleaser. I generally put my own needs on the back burner to make everyone else happy. This year, I am trying something new. I will stand up for myself and make myself happy first, it’s about time. I will go after my dreams, no matter how frightening it is. “Dream it, plan it, do it”. This is my motto for this year.

I have also come to a realisation within the last month or so. I am quite content being single. After the last break up, I didn’t go through the usual. This includes crying at all times of the day, eating large amounts of chocolate and ice cream and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. This time that didn’t happen. Instead, I was angry. Angry at the man’s audacity for treating me the way he did, angry at myself for allowing it. This lead to me rethinking things. I realised that I like being single. I like being alone, not to be confused with lonely. Not having to answer to anyone and doing what I like when I like, suits me just fine. Maybe I am too set in my ways and am a bit selfish.

I am sure for the right man I will make a few changes to accommodate him, but I won’t be too accommodating, as I have been in the past. Next time, the man will have to prove that he wants to be with me, and mean it.

This year is all about me.

My new discovery

For those of you who read my blog quite often you’ll know that I am generally attracted to emotionally stunted men. Men whose egos are bigger than their cars and their commitment phobias at an all time high. Not anymore, my loyal followers. 

I have decided to steer clear of my so called “usual” type. It is difficult, I won’t lie, but I also know that I am saving myself a heap of problems and anger management classes (also known as my friends and copious amounts of alcohol) in the long run. But I have persevered, when I see a tall, dark and oh so handsome man smile at me, with that knowing twinkle in his eye, as if to say “I know I’m hot, you want me”, I turn away. 

I prefer the cute, grounded men now. Why haven’t I always done so? They are amazing. They clearly know a woman’s worth and treat us as such. They are interesting with a side of quirky and goofy. These men know how to have fun and laugh at themselves. It is rather attractive. They have unusual and interesting hobbies and are interested in things other than their work, what people may think of them and what arm candy they have. I must say, it’s all very refreshing. It is an unexplored resource for me. Last year I discovered men in their 30s, I thought these men know what they want, where they are going and are done with all the childish games. I was mostly right. I stopped dating younger men….well, mostly….there’s always an exception to the rule. 

I have now combined this with my new discovery – the men I have dubbed “cute men”. I love the fact that they are self secured and don’t care what people think. They truly are, just themselves, no matter what. I know where I stand because they tell me. They are not interested in playing games. Another refreshing fact. I like my new discovery…..I recommend these men to any woman. 

Go on, give these often over looked men a go.

Peter Pan Syndrome

In today’s society there’s an epidemic called ‘The Peter Pan syndrome’. Named such because our generation seems to grow up much later than the previous ones. By growing up, they mean, settling down, getting married and have children. The older generations seem to be very worried about this. Times have changed and we have adapted right along with it.

Back in the day, people were confined to their environment and needed considerable means to escape it. Travel was not as accessible as it is today. It was pre e mail, mobile phones, texts, facebook and twitter. If you wanted to communicate with someone, it was either via land line, hand written letters or face to face. Those were your only options. It was the age of delayed response and gratification, when ‘ all comes to those who wait ‘ was still true. People were on a need to know basis, and all anyone else knew about you was what you told them (and the rumours that were going around). No cyber stalking. No one could get hold of you when you were out and no one panicked because of this. It was a simpler time.

Today, we have a multitude of options to do anything really. You’d think that this would make our lives easier, which it does, but it also complicates the decisions we have to make. We can travel at the drop of a hat. We can experience the world and different cultures at our own will. We learn, we experience and we grow. If we wish, we don’t even have to leave the comfort of our own laptops to learn about the world. It’s all there with the click of a mouse. We can express our thoughts, our frustrations and our ideas on line. Put it out to the masses, so to speak. We meet interesting people and we keep in touch. It’s all so instantaneous. We text, e mail, facebook and tweet. We check up on our friends, or our imaginary special people in our life (otherwise known as cyber stalking) and we expand our knowledge.

We are living in a great time. We all have the opportunities to be what we want to be, regardless of race or gender. We can do this anywhere we want. All this new found freedom keeps us busy for a lot longer than the previous generations. We take more time to invest in ourselves and our futures that it almost made us a bit selfish. Maybe every person is an island, in this day and age. I don’t have to venture out of my front door to speak to someone, to get feedback on my work or to voice my opinion. Taking more time has meant we have delayed getting to the more traditional things such as having children in our twenties. More and more people only settle down in their mid thirties. Women do not have to get married for security anymore, we provide our own security. We explore ourselves and our careers so that we can be equal in a partnership. Our generation travel, explores, experience and try to build an understanding of the world around us and ourselves.

We eventually get to the settling down bit and procreate, it just takes a little longer. This probably is also true due to the fact that we don’t only get to meet partners in the traditional sense. We have all this technology. We meet people everywhere in cyberspace. Internet dating has also reared its ugly head and so did speed dating. We don’t only have a lot of options when it comes to exploring the world and careers, but also when it comes to suitors. It takes us a bit longer to decide who we want to be with.

Don’t worry about us, we’re getting there.