Banana's views

Unrequited attraction

2012-02-04T17:00:00.000Z

How do we keep getting so wrong? During the last week I had to do a difficult thing. I had to be honest about my feelings for a certain amazing man not only to myself, but to him. Our “potential” relationship came to that awkward moment, where one of the people involved in the relationship wants to know “where is this going?” and “what are we doing?”. Usually these questions come from the woman. Not this time. I kept avoiding the conversation. In hind sight it was probably due to the fact that if I had to think about it, I knew deep down what my honest answers would be.

He was different to my usual type. He was sweet, kind, quirky and strange in a good way. The man is insanely romantic and sends texts and e mails containing sentences that all women constantly wish men would tell them. The type that makes us go “ahhhh” and swoon. He is considerate and the rare breed of man who listens when you speak and wants to make you happy at all times.

Then why could I not make it work? Why didn’t it sweep me off my feet? This made me think of pheromones and how they are ultimately responsible for us liking the opposite sex. How can attraction then be a one sided thing? Surely if he liked my pheromones, I should like his? I am hugely confused by this. I would like to know how unrequited love or even one sided attraction works.

I am sad to see him go. He made it quite clear that he does not want to remain friends as he doesn’t want to be my friend. He is one of the few good ones left. The woman, who is fortunate enough to end up with him, is going to be a very spoilt, treated like a princess, adored woman. He is an amazing man.

I am that girl

2012-01-29T11:36:00.000Z

I am that girl. The girl who stays friends with her ex boyfriends. I think I am a sucker for punishment.

For years I never understood why people frowned upon this. I thought that I am being a mature adult, I can realise that a man may not be a good match romantically but that they are a good match as a friend. I have recently realised that this is complete rubbish. I should not be friends or even friendly with ex boyfriends. Regardless of how things ended, it is never a pleasant experience to see them with another woman. Nor is it good for my self-esteem to see them happy with someone else and have a long fulfilling relationship (that lasts longer than ours did). It probes the unthinkable question: what does she have that I don't? Surely she must do something to make him happy. I am yet to find out what that special ingredient is that I obviously lack. Staying friends or friendly also holds me back. Every time I have a conversation with them, it takes me back to when we were in fact a "we", and it just opens up old wounds. I fall in love with the idea I have of what we once were. Completely ignoring the bad memories though, naturally. I start thinking that maybe we will one day be a "we" again and that whoever he is with now is just a distraction for the time being. Silly, I know.

I am also the girl that loves a man who is completely emotionally unavailable. Or rather, men that are emotionally unavailable to me. They sure seem to be for other woman, usually the women they date right after me. Just not me. For some reason these men fascinate me. It may be the challenge. They are never dull or predictable. But, I know now, that sometimes predictable is good. It means you know where you stand and where you are heading. Unpredictable and closed off men may have been fun to date in my twenties, but as I head into my thirties, I want stable. I want to be secured in my relationship. I want a man who is not scared to utter the word "relationship".

When a man decides he is no longer interested in pursuing a relationship with me, I wish they would have a conversation with me telling me why. It may help me with my future endeavours. We can treat it like an exit interview when you leave your job - a few quick questions and feedback as to how improve yourself. I think a standard form should be completed when a relationship ends.

I am still seeking a man who is mature enough to be in a grown up relationship with me. All I ask is for someone with the same witty sense of humour and companionship. Is that too much to ask for.....

Back to work I go

2012-01-13T18:20:00.001Z

I was dreading the first week of work. Turns out I have not forgotten how to do everything and my brain can still function in a work related manner. My first day back, it felt like I had ice scream headaches, but only it was work headaches. My brain was asking why I wasn't reading a good book or watching something mindless on television. I got back into the swing of things and my holiday is already a distant memory as well as the rest and relaxation that came with it.

This is why I love holidays: You have an entire day stretching out in front of you that is mostly unplanned and you can fill it with whatever you wish. You can even decide to stay in bed all day if you choose, refuse to change out of your pjs and waste it eating all sorts of junk and watching absolute rubbish on television. Or on the flip side, you can decide to be productive, but in a fun way. When you have finally dragged your lazy body out of bed you may go down to the local shops and perve over the latest fashions and spoil yourself a little with a visit to the salon for a manicure. Lunch with the girls are always a winner. Before you know it, you have filled your day. Fabulous.

Then it's time to return to reality and this is what your day is like, well mine, not too sure about yours.
Wake up at an hour which, in my opinion, no one should actually know what the day looks like. Get ready for work whilst half asleep. Get into car, get frustrated with people on the road, ruining my day before my first cup of tea. Arrive at work. Slave away for a minimum of nine hours. At the arrival of "home time" I get extremely happy. Hit the gym and some days I meet some friends after. That is what a typical work day is like, we repeat this until those two blissful days we refer to as the weekend. Two days never seem long enough. A three day weekend would be much better.

I am back at the mills and I am still getting used to it.

May 2012 hold the best of times for all of you.

New Year, New Start

2012-01-05T09:57:00.000Z

Last year was an adventure for me. It was my first year back in South Africa and mostly an adjustment period for me. Although I miss my life in the UK, I put on my big girl pants and made the best of it. I was determined to like living in Johannesburg. It was the first time I lived here and at first I was sceptical. A friend gave me some good advice: there’s a Johannesburg for everyone, you just need to find your Johannesburg. This turned out to be true. I found my niche. I reconnected with some old friends and made some new ones. I am fairly settled in this big city now, but I still miss the UK and everything I had there. Some days I wonder if I’ll ever stop missing it. I left amazing friends and my incredible boyfriend, the one person that I can truly say was the male version of me. We had the same quirks and hang ups and were generally considered to be a bit odd really. But together, we just fit.

This year is a fresh start. I am a people pleaser. I generally put my own needs on the back burner to make everyone else happy. This year, I am trying something new. I will stand up for myself and make myself happy first, it’s about time. I will go after my dreams, no matter how frightening it is. “Dream it, plan it, do it”. This is my motto for this year.

I have also come to a realisation within the last month or so. I am quite content being single. After the last break up, I didn’t go through the usual. This includes crying at all times of the day, eating large amounts of chocolate and ice cream and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. This time that didn’t happen. Instead, I was angry. Angry at the man’s audacity for treating me the way he did, angry at myself for allowing it. This lead to me rethinking things. I realised that I like being single. I like being alone, not to be confused with lonely. Not having to answer to anyone and doing what I like when I like, suits me just fine. Maybe I am too set in my ways and am a bit selfish.

I am sure for the right man I will make a few changes to accommodate him, but I won’t be too accommodating, as I have been in the past. Next time, the man will have to prove that he wants to be with me, and mean it.

This year is all about me.

My new discovery

2011-12-20T13:55:00.000Z

For those of you who read my blog quite often you’ll know that I am generally attracted to emotionally stunted men. Men whose egos are bigger than their cars and their commitment phobias at an all time high. Not anymore, my loyal followers.

I have decided to steer clear of my so called “usual” type. It is difficult, I won’t lie, but I also know that I am saving myself a heap of problems and anger management classes (also known as my friends and copious amounts of alcohol) in the long run. But I have persevered, when I see a tall, dark and oh so handsome man smile at me, with that knowing twinkle in his eye, as if to say “I know I’m hot, you want me”, I turn away.

I prefer the cute, grounded men now. Why haven’t I always done so? They are amazing. They clearly know a woman’s worth and treat us as such. They are interesting with a side of quirky and goofy. These men know how to have fun and laugh at themselves. It is rather attractive. They have unusual and interesting hobbies and are interested in things other than their work, what people may think of them and what arm candy they have. I must say, it’s all very refreshing. It is an unexplored resource for me. Last year I discovered men in their 30s, I thought these men know what they want, where they are going and are done with all the childish games. I was mostly right. I stopped dating younger men….well, mostly….there’s always an exception to the rule.

I have now combined this with my new discovery – the men I have dubbed “cute men”. I love the fact that they are self secured and don’t care what people think. They truly are, just themselves, no matter what. I know where I stand because they tell me. They are not interested in playing games. Another refreshing fact. I like my new discovery…..I recommend these men to any woman.

Go on, give these often over looked men a go.

Peter Pan Syndrome

2011-12-10T13:27:00.000Z

In today’s society there’s an epidemic called ‘The Peter Pan syndrome’. Named such because our generation seems to grow up much later than the previous ones. By growing up, they mean, settling down, getting married and have children. The older generations seem to be very worried about this. Times have changed and we have adapted right along with it.

Back in the day, people were confined to their environment and needed considerable means to escape it. Travel was not as accessible as it is today. It was pre e mail, mobile phones, texts, facebook and twitter. If you wanted to communicate with someone, it was either via land line, hand written letters or face to face. Those were your only options. It was the age of delayed response and gratification, when ‘ all comes to those who wait ‘ was still true. People were on a need to know basis, and all anyone else knew about you was what you told them (and the rumours that were going around). No cyber stalking. No one could get hold of you when you were out and no one panicked because of this. It was a simpler time.

Today, we have a multitude of options to do anything really. You’d think that this would make our lives easier, which it does, but it also complicates the decisions we have to make. We can travel at the drop of a hat. We can experience the world and different cultures at our own will. We learn, we experience and we grow. If we wish, we don’t even have to leave the comfort of our own laptops to learn about the world. It’s all there with the click of a mouse. We can express our thoughts, our frustrations and our ideas on line. Put it out to the masses, so to speak. We meet interesting people and we keep in touch. It’s all so instantaneous. We text, e mail, facebook and tweet. We check up on our friends, or our imaginary special people in our life (otherwise known as cyber stalking) and we expand our knowledge.

We are living in a great time. We all have the opportunities to be what we want to be, regardless of race or gender. We can do this anywhere we want. All this new found freedom keeps us busy for a lot longer than the previous generations. We take more time to invest in ourselves and our futures that it almost made us a bit selfish. Maybe every person is an island, in this day and age. I don’t have to venture out of my front door to speak to someone, to get feedback on my work or to voice my opinion. Taking more time has meant we have delayed getting to the more traditional things such as having children in our twenties. More and more people only settle down in their mid thirties. Women do not have to get married for security anymore, we provide our own security. We explore ourselves and our careers so that we can be equal in a partnership. Our generation travel, explores, experience and try to build an understanding of the world around us and ourselves.

We eventually get to the settling down bit and procreate, it just takes a little longer. This probably is also true due to the fact that we don’t only get to meet partners in the traditional sense. We have all this technology. We meet people everywhere in cyberspace. Internet dating has also reared its ugly head and so did speed dating. We don’t only have a lot of options when it comes to exploring the world and careers, but also when it comes to suitors. It takes us a bit longer to decide who we want to be with.

Don’t worry about us, we’re getting there.

Bad Signal.....

2011-12-03T12:50:00.000Z

Now that I am no longer 20-something, but 30-something, I thought I understand everything better. Whilst the only thing that’s actually true is that I can wear red lipstick and not look ridiculous.

I am still baffled by the general rules of the human mating dance. Surely our intrinsic instincts should lead us to the right partner? I imagine in cave man days no one actually “dated”. The cave man spotted a cave lady picking some berries, he liked the look of her, clubbed her over the head and dragged her to his cave. That was it. She was his woman, she would bear his children and it was a done deal. No game playing, no negotiation, done. We have learnt that the reason we are attracted to others has a lot to do with smell, mostly our pheromones. This generally determines whether we are compatible, gene wise, and will produce the most superior off spring. We confuse everyone by covering our natural smell with shower gels, perfumes, body sprays, hair products etc. the list is endless. Is this why we are choosing wrong time and time again? Is this why people search for a very long time before finding someone compatible or never seem to find someone at all?

The other thing I don’t understand is how people can misread signals so completely. I have been on quite a few bad dates. I walk away thankful that the date is over and I never have to be subjected to his company again. Then he calls me. Really? I was on the worst date ever, and this man thinks that it went well, maybe well enough for a second date? I didn’t send any kind of signal that I want to see the man again. I wasn’t interesting or amusing, I did not hide the fact that I was bored and I ended the date under two hours. What exactly made him think that went well? Maybe this is part of the fact that men are hunters and women are gatherers. They may interpret my non interest as a challenge. If a woman wants to challenge you, we will play hard to get, not shoot you down completely. We shall actually be interested and contribute to the conversation. We shall want to remain in your company for quite a while before ending the date.

I am always trying to etch closer to the mystery of why certain people fit together so perfectly, some people fit with a lot of others and some seemingly don’t fit with anyone.

Yes!

2011-11-07T18:27:00.000Z

This year is the year of yes. My housemate and I made a mutual New Year’s Resolution: to say yes more often. More specifically, to say yes to men more often. It was a common assumption that ‘no’ was our favourite word. We decided to change that.

We have to say yes to every man who asks us out on a date, and go on at least one. Saying yes, is a lot more difficult than one may think. If nothing else, it has provided us with hours of entertainment. This year I went on a vast amount of first dates, a few second dates and very few went past that.

So far this year, I have met three men I actually liked. Yes, it’s difficult for me to like anyone in any capacity, so this is huge for me. I think of these men fondly quite often. For a brief period of time, they made my life better, made me want to be a better woman and were a chapter in one of my adventures. They taught me about myself, men and relationships.

Two of them taught me how to let my hair down, be a little less serious, have fewer inhibitions and just have fun. The third made me realise what qualities I want in a man and that it is possible for me to lower my walls and connect with someone.

Even though none of these men ended up being a permanent character in my book, one has a recurring role as a friend. In between meeting these three amazing men, I have been on some terrible dates with some very strange men. It ranged from the guy who lost points with me before the first date started (I actually blogged about it – “How not to date me”) to the most recent bad date where the guy asked me out for dinner, then insisted I pay. And it got worse, he led me down some isolated corridors before “joking” about attacking me. I got out of there pretty fast. Probably ranked number two on bad dates for this year.

The adventure continues and from each of them I learn something.

Friendship on fire

2011-10-23T14:30:00.001+01:00

The idea of the perfect suitor has been romanticised by novels and movies. They make us believe that when you find “that perfect person”, it will be a moment that sweeps you off your feet, that leaves you breathless and makes your heart skip a beat. When it fact, you probably won’t even display any of these symptoms. It is said that a man knows by the fourth date if he is falling in love and a woman only by the twelfth. In real life, we meet someone, they ask us out on a date and we accept because we like the look of them. This entire notion of love at first sight is better described as lust at first sight.

The feelings you experience when you think that you’re in love is just the chemicals in your brain reacting in a certain way. Real love, is friendship on fire. The novels and movies completely confuse us. We don’t find that “perfect” someone, because they live in books and movies. Not in the real world. The most successful relationships are those based on friendship. Marriages built on friendship seem to be more successful.

The reason being that the basis is companionship. Partners get to know everything about each other before embarking on a romantic relationship. This sounds right to me. People rush things too much. What happened to taking things slowly, getting to know someone before you get in too deep? When did that go out of fashion? And personally, if a man doesn’t respect the fact that I want to wait and take my time, and leave or pull a disappearing act, I know that he was in it for wrong reasons. Good riddens to bad rubbish then, I don’t need a man to only want to bed me.

I think we need to bring propriety back. Get to know each other. How many people do you know who knows their “significant other’s” favourite colour? Or what song they listen to when they are sad? My guess, not many. Ask these same questions to people about their closest friends, and they will know all the answers. I’ve said it before, I want to be in a relationship with someone who is my best friend. Someone who wants to learn everything about me and vice versa, and love me for everything I am and all my imperfections. Someone who inspires me to be a better woman. Someone who loves the way I look first thing in the morning and doesn’t mind kissing me before I brush my teeth. Someone who gets my quirky sense of humour and knows exactly what I think just by looking at me.

I have standards, and I am a woman who knows my value. I won’t accept anything less. I will never run after a man. This doesn’t mean that I don’t put in any effort. I do. A man will always know when I am interested as well as when I am not. I voice my opinions and I ask for what I need from my partner. I am always willing to compromise, even meet a man more than half way. It’s such a pity when a man is unwilling to compromise to keep a good woman, someone who is the female version of them. I get sad, because meeting someone like that, is so very rare. People get scared and I think that is when character shines through. Our generation has gone soft, and need a few lessons in how to “man up”. A big problem may be that we are the “instant gratification” generation. We don’t think that things are worth waiting for. This is so wrong! The best things are worth waiting for, and will be so much better because you put the time and effort into getting it. I don’t see any logic in letting a good thing slip through your fingers just because you can’t wait. I know men have more of a problem with this than women.

When you find your counterpart in someone else, do all you can to hold on to them. You won’t find someone like them quickly again.

Missing: Nice guys.

2011-10-13T18:38:00.000+01:00

It is so nice to be able to write something other than a study note or exam. I am in the middle of exams and all I have been doing is studying for the last couple of weeks. I wrote my first exam today, and it went so well, that I decided to relax for a bit today.

I have had a recurring conversation with several people. It just keeps coming up. So much so, that I just had to write about it. What is up with the men of today? They all seem to be privy to some game that is being played and no woman has been let in on it. They seem to all do the same things. They don’t tell us the truth (do men think we are so fragile that we will crumble when they tell us the truth?). They make us wait for days before we hear from them (really now, are you so busy that you can’t take 30 seconds to send us a text? Rubbish) and they just don’t seem to care (is this the male equivalent of “playing hard to get”? If it is, I’ll never catch you).

I have many gorgeous, smart, successful and confident single women friends. I just don’t get it. I watch them go on date after date, waste months on a man they claim they see potential in, and it all generally ends the same. The men do not put in any effort, or the ones that do, put in the absolute minimal effort. We (women) eventually lose interest, we can’t be bothered that you can’t be bothered and assume you really see us as a convenience, where we see you as a priority. For women, you become a priority in a way that we want to get to know you, we want to see if we are compatible and if, yes if, there can be an “us”….eventually. Men do not get this. Personally, I am not a woman that will, for lack of a better phrase, “run after a man”, and nor will my friends. If you do not contact me, I shan’t contact you. I am a firm believer that men are the hunters and women are the gatherers. If you want to be with me, tell me. Women aren’t mind readers either. I won’t waste the pretty. I love this phrase. It means that you don’t linger too long on an unworthy suitor before putting yourself out there again. Do confident, gorgeous, outspoken women scare men off? Does this mean that we have to pretend to be slightly less confident, smile and nod and agree with everything a man says? How long can we keep this up?

A few male friends have told me that there is no such thing as a “nice guy”. All men are playing an angle to get what they want. If they don’t get it, they’ll move on. In this day and age, it is practically expected – apparently. That means, old fashioned women like me, are left at the way side. I grew up reading Jane Austen and all the old school charm and romance that comes with it. I want to be wooed. I am not a complete prude, I just believe that certain things are reserved for special people, the ones that stay around for the right reasons. They will be rewarded. I know my worth, and I won’t accept any less. No woman should. If a man wants to be with you, he will prove it, he will say it and he will show it. If not, move on. I also have received a good piece of advice from a man. In asking what is a woman to do if there are no nice men, he said “ you accept it, and you like him anyway”. Can it really be that simple?

I am going to try it, can’t do any harm.

This season's black......

2011-10-01T19:19:00.000+01:00

I have often described men as the perfect accessory. Men are the new black this season. They look good with any outfit and compliment any pair of shoes. Only problem is, this perfect accessory is very rare. Let me rethink that statement. A man is easy to find, but one which you want to hold on to for longer than the expiration date on the yogurt in my fridge, is rare. The ones with the expiration date on them, can we loads of fun, but we know they are seasonal, not classic for all seasons. This season’s orange, one can say.

I would love to find a website which take orders for the perfect man. Can you imagine how amazing that would be? You can put in your requirements and your specifications and press the “submit” button. Your perfect man will be delivered within six to eight weeks. I would love that. Alas, this is not reality.

Us singletons have to put up with wading through the masses of our male counterparts out there. Most of the time, I feel like I am completely wasting five minutes of my life, listening to some man trying to get into my good graces. But I listen, because my flat mate and I made a joint resolution this New Year. We both love the word “no”. The word escapes our lips as if it is the only word we know sometimes. We are notorious for not giving anyone a chance that’s unable to impress us within the first two sentences they utter to us. Not completely fair to be honest. First impressions are sometimes not the real deal. Sometimes, the second impression is much more important. We figured we have missed out on a few good men. Thus the resolution. We will say yes to most things. We will go on at least one date with every man that asks us out. Granted, we have had some terrible dates, but they make for good stories. We have shared quite a few laughs.

I met some men recently who completely killed my enthusiasm for men. Sometimes I wonder why we are so hung up on settling with one of these creatures (men). They deceive us with their words and pretty smiles. They say all the right things to make us believe they have potential. After spending some time with them, you realise they are as fake as the imitation Prada bag that is for sale at the market. It looks like the real deal but when you open it up you can tell by the lining and the label that it’s all a fake. No woman who knows her worth will put up with a fake anything.

The advantage of being older and more mature (that is debatable) is that we can spot a fake from miles away. It is true that these fakes have their place in the dating game, mostly to practice on. But none of them have the potential to make it onto the classic, good for all seasons and never go out of style, list. We generally outgrow these in our twenties. By the time we reach our late twenties, we are ready for the classic list. We like our men to be like our most favourite pair of shoes: comfortable, goes with any outfit, and reliable. The superficial tends to take a back seat to more important things. All the things our mum’s told us to look for in a partner and we pulled a face. Yes, mums are right.

We want someone who is stable, reliable, who holds us when we are upset and make fun of us when we are being silly. Someone who makes us tea in bed and listens to our friends’ latest drama. Someone who makes us laugh and who makes us feel like we just had the best conversation ever even though we didn’t say a word. Someone who loves our friends, and if he doesn’t still puts up with them because they are important to us.

I am sure that there is a perfect accessory for every woman out there; maybe all we have to do is change where we shop.

Age of (in) convinience

2011-09-19T15:54:00.000+01:00

Delayed gratification is a definition of being an adult. No wonder, us, supposed adults are so confused these days. We live in a world of instant gratification. Everything is available at a click of mouse and a push of a (cell phone) button. Patience is slowly becoming extinct from our vocabularies, as it has become irrelevant.

Our world is one that’s constantly filled with noise – ranging from audible noise, such as music, television and people who just won’t get off their phones in public places (and overhearing conversations we wish we had never been privy to) , to the noise we do not hear or see – undelivered text messages, ones that are on the way to phones all around us, e mails hanging in the air – basically satellite signals beaming down on us from everywhere.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel as if I need to sit in a quiet room, switch off my laptop, phone, radio, television etc. just to get away from everyone and everything. That is usually short lived as inevitably my mind travels to those unread messages and e mails. We have been so conditioned by the world of advertising and convenience that we cannot yield from being distracted by these things. It’s really sad to think that we rely so heavily on technology.

Thinking back to when I was a child, we didn’t have any of these modern luxuries. The closest we came was Nintendo - and not WII, the proper, old school ones in which you still had to insert a cartridge. We grew up with our mothers not worrying about us being out all afternoon on our bicycles and were content with the knowledge that we will be home before dark. We only had a house phone and if you couldn’t reach the person you were ringing, you just rang them later. No big deal. No messages, no missed calls and no follow up text messages. We spoke to our friends on the phone and made plans. It was set in stone! We didn’t have the luxury of sending/receiving a text message cancelling twenty minutes before the time. People still had manners, and showed up at the arranged time. All these gadgets we have these days, has produced an entire generation of lazy, and I fear, obese people. It is just too easy to not get your bum off the couch and actually doing something for yourself or doing anything at all. And no boys, playing XBOX, is not doing something constructive. No matter what you want, I am sure “there’s an app for that”.

I would love to, for just one day a week, to switch off everything and learn to listen to myself again. In silence.

Flirting and all that jazz

2011-09-11T12:17:00.001+01:00

I have been reading the most interesting study. The UK conducted a study on flirting a few years ago.

All I can think of is “really? This is what you choose to spend tax payers’ money on. A study on flirting”. It is 17 pages long and although I have only read half of it, it makes for some interesting reading. It also makes me think.

Apparently men think they are the aggressors when it comes to picking up women, but in actual fact, women send out very subtle signals which alert a man that we are open to be approached. We flip our hair, we sway our hips. All done to attract the attention of a man. Therefore women actually make the first move, most of the time. Ha, did you know that? I don’t even think we (women) are aware of this. It’s all pre programmed in us. I find this fascinating. Our instinct to reproduce is so primal that we don’t even realise that we are looking for a potential partner. We also know when we meet mister wrong, that we definitely do not want certain people’s genes in our gene pool.

The study reveals that the men, who are bold and keep trying their luck, are the “alpha males”. This is because of the fact that they keep trying, they obviously have a higher “hit” or “success” rate and means that they “spread their seed” more than the other men. These men are thought of having the strongest genes. When I read that, I had to giggle to myself. I know personally, when I encounter a man like that, I view him as a cad, a player, and want nothing to do with him. He may be fun to have a few laughs with, but nothing serious. How can these men have the strongest genes? I just don’t get it. They definitely get to spread their seed though.

Something that really interested me though, was that women exhibit Protean behaviour. This basically means that women send out ambiguous signals. We do this so if or when we get rejected by said man, we have plausible deniability. We confuse men; they have no idea what we want or what we mean. They are left guessing, and need to man up and take that chance. I thought only the modern woman is terrified of rejection. It seems that’s just ingrained in us. And confusing men are too.

I wanted to share this, as the mating rituals of people fascinate me. It seems as if we are all born with the ability to flirt, attract and find a mate. No one teaches us these things. Some of us have better developed social skills and find it easier to meet partners, and others find it a bit more difficult.

I leave you with this thought: go forth and multiply!

Disappointment

2011-08-23T18:50:00.000+01:00

Often, the biggest disappointments we suffer, are the ones which we inflict upon ourselves.

I tend to see the best in people. I see the potential which lies within everyone and know that everyone can achieve this. Problem is, not everyone wants to achieve this greatness, or they do not have the self believe to do this. I place everyone in my life on pedestals, some on higher ones than others.

It is not easy for me when reality finally comes crashing down and with it, those pedestals. I am fully aware that it is unfair of me to have these high expectations of people, but I have to add, that I have these expectations of myself too. This also places a lot of strain on me to be perfect. Which is not fair either.

My biggest problem is that I romanticise who people are. I don’t see their faults. This is a recipe for disappointment because people are only human and everyone has faults, and everyone makes mistakes. Although I logically know that this is true, it is still difficult to accept. Surely people want to be the best they can be? Why do people settle for mediocre, when they can be amazing?

The answers to these questions are different for everyone. Being average also means different things to different people.

One of my biggest faults is thinking everyone is striving to be amazing, to be the best and that everyone will live up to my expectations. It sets them up for a fall and me up for disappointment.

I am always getting disappointed or let down in some way. It has gotten so bad that I would rather block people or things out which I know has a risk of disappointing me. Instead of putting on my big girl pants and accepting everyone for the wonderful individuals they are.

I am working on this and am making a conscious effort to keeping the people in my life off those impossibly high pedestals.

Lessons from my twenties

2011-08-15T18:51:00.000+01:00

As I stand on the edge of entering my thirties, I am truly excited.

Nearing this age made me think about all the wonderful adventures I had as a woman in my twenties, and the various metamorphosis I underwent. From the shy, naïve, innocent girl to the punk girl, the nerd I grew in to and the feminine woman I blossomed to be.

Some of the stages I went through was outright laughable, embarrassing and others a triumph. I suppose I had to go through all these stages to find myself, or most of myself, grow, learn and get comfortable in my skin.

I learnt quite a few valuable lessons in my twenties. Those of you who were there next to me, and those of you who are still next me, you are my heroes.

Some of the lessons I learnt were:

· Never let a man make you feel as if you aren’t worthy

· Never let anyone make you feel stupid or ugly

· If you feel comfortable in an outfit, wear it, no matter what anyone says

· If you make the stupid decision to put pink streaks in your hair, own it

· Always trust your gut, it is usually right

· Don’t let people be reckless with your heart, and don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts

· Don’t mind what others say about you, be yourself, and you’ll be happier for it

· If you have an opinion, speak up. You don’t always have to agree about everything

· The friends you make at varsity, will grow up with you

· True friends always tell you the truth, no matter how brutal, and I love them for it

· Friends will encourage you in your adventures, true friends hold your hair back

· Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos

· You can never wear peep toe shoes with stockings

· Long hair suits me better than short hair

· Never will I dye my hair red again

· I am more intelligent than what I gave myself credit for

· Some people taught me more about myself than what I knew

· Living in a foreign country helped me grow up, and I loved it

· I learnt to respect myself and others

· Hard work never killed anyone

· Cooking for one is not fun, but cooking for many is lots of fun

· Friends and family are irreplaceable, so treat them well

· Tea makes everything better

· Dancing is great therapy

I am looking forward to my thirties. I know who I am and where I am going. I have amazing people in my life whom I love. Here’s to my thirties and to more adventures.

My half year resolution

2011-07-10T18:21:00.000+01:00

I have mastered the art of not caring. Let me rephrase. I have mastered the art of seeming not to care. I have gotten some feedback in the past that I seem cold, unapproachable and uninterested. This is unintentional and a disaster.

Even when I think I am sending out the right signals, I am apparently not. I have missed out on some amazing men because of my supposed aloofness. If you know me, you know that I have almost zero capacity to express myself.

A friend of mine has been encouraging me to put myself out there. It is a scary thing to do and the rejection factor freaks me out. I do think that if I had put myself out there and I was brutally honest with the men I liked in the past, things may have been different.

So, this is my half year resolution, to be more honest and obvious with my signals if I like someone. I shall not, however, turn into a desperate, typical girl who chase after a man. My core values will still be the same. And all my dating rules still apply. If a man wants to be with me, he will contact me and want to spend time with me. What I shall do, is make more of an effort to let them know it is mutual.

We grew apart

2011-06-27T16:59:00.000+01:00

People grow apart. That is part of life. Part of growing up, is accepting this. As sad as it may be, this is a reality.

We bond over shared experiences, mutual interests and that hot guy that seems unattainable to every girl, or the love of playing pool when we are supposed to be in lectures. Whatever the bond is, for some it is strong enough to endure decades of storms and for some the storm takes its toll.

We go our separate ways, and have different life experiences. Every one of these leaves a print on our lives. It changes us, we grow and we see life with a new perspective. Sometimes it changes our views completely. We may even have a personality make over, in some cases.

When we are lucky, our closest friends grow with us, or love us enough to adapt to us and accept us as we have changed. And in turn we do the same for them. Variety is the spice of life after all. Sometimes we are not so lucky though. Experiences may have taken friends in completely different directions, where there are no intersections. This saddens me. I believe that if you had a bond once, surely there must still be something there worth salvaging. Unfortunately it takes both parties to want to reconnect. One may not want to take the opportunity to get to know the new you. I hate when this happens.

At some stage you need to recognise a losing battle and give it up. Move on and expend energy on the friends who want to be in your life. It is corny but true, love the people who love you.

One will always have the photos of the memories and the crazy stories.

To all the friends that couldn’t see their way to fit in with the new version of me, or try to get to know me. I will always love you guys and the memories we had together. To those friends who are still there and the new ones, I love you too and we keep making memories.

C’et la vie.

A question worth pondering

2011-06-20T16:18:00.000+01:00

As I have discovered over my years of searching for one of my Mr. Rights, we aren’t always attracted to the people that make the most sense to us. I have come to learn that eons of instinct are ingrained in us. This instinct takes over, and subtly (sometimes not so) nudges us towards those who have the most complimentary pheromones, and in turn immune system to ours, so that our children will have a chance at survival.

The question still weighs on my mind – then why are there so many mismatched people around? One answer may be that with perfumes and scented skin products, we completely confuse our pheromones and trick them into thinking someone is suited to us. Tip one: give your potential partner a sniff after a gym session and decide whether it smells pleasant to you. If not, he’s probably not the one.

Another possible answer may be that in our society we are conditioned to be attracted to certain people. When do we cross that line? When do we buy into the societal peer pressure? If no one ever reveals what they do for a living, what background they come from and you judge everyone by one set of criteria, will the same people make the cut onto your dance card? In other words, you decide whether you may live happily ever after with someone purely based on mutual interests, natural chemistry, comfort level, how happy this person makes you and how big your smile gets when you hear from them. It could be an interesting social experiment. I know this is not reality and this will never pan out in the real world. But, take a few minutes to think about this the next time you meet someone.

How NOT to date me....

2011-06-02T19:33:00.000+01:00

And any other decent woman out there, I suppose.

This happened to me on a date, and I just had to share it. If not for a few giggles, then to give men a few tips on what NOT to do.

It all started off pretty generic. Boy meets girl, have a chat, boy asks for girl’s number. Date gets arranged.

Now ~~boys~~ men. Women don’t particularly like it when you are late on the first date. If you are running late, let us know. This was already the first strike against this guy and the date had not even officially started. I was close to leaving, and I had no intention of letting him know.

When he finally decided to grace me with his presence (he was only about 10 minutes late, but for a first date, it is unacceptable), he walked towards me with a cigarette in his hand. That little move earned him another strike. The date was going for all of 30 seconds, and I was already heavily annoyed.

He was all over the place, frazzled about something and kept apologising for it. I was quite unimpressed by this. You are supposed to be the best version of yourself on a first date. By this time, my annoyance was growing fast.

We finally got a drink (I am grateful for alcohol in these situations), and started chatting. He had a chip on his shoulder and kept telling me how fantastic the company he works for is, and how difficult it is to get in there….blah blah….is what I heard mostly. I zoned out while he was talking and watched sport on the monitor behind him. When I zoned back in he was still talking….about himself…. I think this is strike three. This one is special and deserves more than three, so it carried on.

The waiter came by and I declined a second drink. I made sure to tell him how tired I was. I thought I’d get a gap to leave. But no! He ordered another drink, and because my mother raised me well (I don’t always apply it though), I stayed until he finished his drink.

During our chat he sparked an argument with me. Helpful hint: if you are going to argue with someone you are trying to impress, check your facts. Don’t attack her opinion on a topic. Don’t argue. Maybe give your point of view and have friendly banter. Strike four.

Last, but not least….he drove so fast out of the parking lot I am sure there was some wheel spin in there. We (women) are not impressed by this. That earned him a few strikes.

Gentlemen, please make sure you do not do these things. There will not be a second date!

I had a good laugh at this during and after. The question beckons: where do I find these guys?

To all my fabulous Single Girl Friends

2011-05-22T15:42:00.001+01:00

Recently I have noticed how bitter and jaded, for lack of better words, most of my girl friends are when it comes to matters of the heart. Now, if you know me, you may think that I am one of them. I am not. I used to be. As I entered my late twenties, I shook that off. Way too much of my energy went into disliking the unfairer sex. It causes stress and winkles. Who wants that? But it also kept me from meeting new people and making new friends. A smile really does go a long way.

In the last couple of years, I may not have met my match, but I have made some amazing friends. This would not have been possible if I kept the boys at arm’s length.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have the emotional capacity of a 15 year old, as in I can’t read signals that men send out, I am naïve when it comes to their motives and I have no idea how to express my own feelings. I don’t like getting hurt, so a very select few men have had the privilege of breaking down my walls and know me in my entirety. Those few were definitely worth it, and once I have met another worthy young suitor, I shall do so again. In the meantime, I have loads of fun meeting new people.

I get sad when I think some of my girl friends are missing out on this experience. They are totally closed off to all advances made by men. They may miss out on a wonderful adventure. I want them to know that not all men are terrible. Think of the amazing friends you have, that are men. This must prove that good men are still out there. Admittedly at our age, the pickings are getting slimmer. The good ones are married, are about to get married or are just not that into us, or vice versa. This is also alright as not everyone can like everyone. Our caveman genes determine who we are attracted to, so we can’t blame them for that.

Girls, please don’t give up, please don’t remain bitter and jaded. I know we’ve had our hearts stomped on, and all the King’s horses and all the King’s men, couldn’t put it back together again. Well, not as it were before. A little bit of our hearts will always be missing, as it will remain with the dim-witted heartbreaker.

I do believe that we learn from every relationship, and we grow because of it. With every heartbreak we realise what we don’t want in a partner and get so much closer to knowing what we do want! It makes us tougher and stronger and we appreciate a good one so much more when we do spend some time with them, however brief it may be.

Live in hope, embrace every encounter and learn from it! And be the best bachelorette you can be, not a grumpy old maid. Be the most amazing you!!!!!

I am a product of my ever changing generation…..

2011-05-14T13:09:00.000+01:00

Can anyone remember what it was like not to be in constant contact with everyone in your life? Not knowing at every moment what people were doing, where they were and with whom they were? I truly believe man was an island back then. With a selected few visitors knowing the address and the directions.

People were a lot more considerate, in my opinion, and less stressed out. People made arrangements via land line or when they saw each other, weeks in advance. And if you weren’t in when the phone rang, you’d never even known it. It was assumed that all parties will be at the designated place, at the time that was discussed. No text to confirm, no text to back out of it. It is far too easy these days, to send a text to cancel pre arranged plans.

Before every person was in possession of a cellphone, they were far more reliable, punctual and more focussed. When you were with someone, they had your undivided attention. These days, people can’t go 10 minutes without checking their phones. Especially with the arrival of smart phones, with which you can check up on everything ranging from e mail to twitter. It has gotten worse with social networking sites coming into being. Cyber stalking is rife, and people now know exactly what is happening in your life. When you are in a bad mood, when you go out with your friends, and don’t even get me started on people who cyber stalk their ex partners. It is very unhealthy and lengthens the mourning period after a break up. The best thing to do is to keep your distance and let the feelings fade away slowly. But not with these social sites. You will invariably come across some form of comment or update and it will send you hurtling back right to square one.

Information is too freely and easily available. As if these sites weren’t enough, now we have BBM and Whatsap, even more ways to keep tabs on people.

I am as guilty as most people when it comes to these things. I am absolutely addicted to updating my BBM status, checking my twitter and everyone else’s updates.

I was once a tranquil, little island. Over the years I have invited plenty of people to join me there. At the moment it is more of an Ibiza. Some of these inhabitants hide in far away corners but I am constantly in touch. I hardly ever see them in real life.

This also makes me wonder if we are losing social skills. We aren’t forced to actually meet up with someone and interact with them. We can do it all electronically. We send a quick e mail, text, direct message, BBM, the choices are endless. But they all have one thing in common. They are all impersonal. It requires minimum effort.

I am in two minds whether this has bettered our society in terms of our personal relationships, or has it gotten to a point where we can equate catching up with an old friend to that of having fast food. Quick and easy, minimal effort but also not as satisfying as sitting down to a proper meal and a good bottle of wine, taking your time.

This said, I am one of the worst. I am constantly checking my phone, just in case, and freak out if I leave it at home by mistake.....

Thank you Carry, Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda....

2011-05-10T18:33:00.000+01:00

I have come to refer to my generation of women as the ‘Sex and the City’ generation. Or rather the ‘S&C’ gen. We entered our teens when we were exposed to it. We grew to love the four best friends and yearned to one day have the interesting lives they led. We all pigeon holed ourselves as one of the characters. There is an entire generation of Carry’s, Miranda’s, Charlotte’s and Samantha’s running around. They taught us that women have every right to be as sexual as men, and in a way paved the way for our own sexual revolution.

All of a sudden we learnt that there is no shame in having a one night stand, sleeping with an ex boyfriend (and not feel guilty about it) and basically just doing it like a man, no strings attached. Provided that you do it safely that is.

Which ‘S&C’ girl are you? I always thought of myself as a ‘Carry’. The whimsical girl, with a quirky dress sense, who is always hung up on an ex boyfriend who still holds a special place in her heart. A little emo, let’s face it. My bubble got completely burst a few years ago when one of these ex boyfriends told me that I am in fact a ‘Charlotte’. The proper, uptight girl. I gave this some thought, and although I was disappointed at first, I realised that he was right. I am a bit uptight….and I over think everything. It suited me better.

This also made me realise that people do not always see us the way we see ourselves. For this reason it is a good idea to do a survey every now and then, just to check that you still portray an image to the world which you feel comfortable with.

I am in my late 20’s and I have to admit, that throughout my 20’s I have made the most amazing friends. We have the close bonds that the show always promoted between women. I have friends who each in their own right are ‘S&C’ women.

Thank you to ‘Sex and the City’ for giving my generation the freedom to express themselves and not feel guilty about it, for teaching us that friendships between women are unbreakable bonds, and that we will never choose a man over those bonds.

Chivalry dead or alive?

2011-04-19T20:59:00.002+01:00

Since women burnt their bras, started opening doors for themselves and picking up the dinner bill, we seem to be suspicious of any act of chivalry. Do we need to be? Back in the day when women still utilised their bras as intended, gentlemen were the rule, not the exception.

A bunch of flowers, to tell a woman you enjoyed her company, was normal the day after a date. Pulling out her chair, ordering for her and telling her how beautiful she looks, was par for the course. Every guy, was the nice guy.

In today’s society, we are suspicious of gentlemanly acts. The bra burning generation has frightened off the well intentioned men, wanting to woo an old fashioned lady. They have left them feeling insecure and emasculated on so many levels that they have given up on trying to be the proverbial knight in shining armour.

When one of them feels brave, and attempts a gallantry act, we (women) get suspicious. We think they are playing some sort of game, that they are trying to lull us into a false sense of security. And then bam! They turn back into the frogs they were before we kissed them. And we are left standing at the well, looking for more frogs to turn into princes.

We need to accept that just as there are women out there, who did not want to be equal to men, there are men who still like to be gentlemen. No hidden agendas.

Cave (wo) man instinct

2011-03-29T17:34:00.003+01:00

Have you ever wondered what makes your hormones jump for one person and not the other? If you haven’t then that makes me weird, because this all fascinates me.

I know that it has to do with pheromones and some built in cave man instinct of bearing superior children. These days, we use body washes and perfumes, this all confuse our potential mates, as what they smell is not our pheromones. This means we are attracted to the "wrong" people all the time. It’s all about wanting to mate with someone that has a stronger immune system so that your children will survive. In other words, survival of the fittest. Men are apparently subconsciously attracted to women with a waist ratio that is no bigger than 60% to 80% of their hip’s circumference. This is because these women are deemed to be more fertile and will guarantee offspring. Studies have shown that women with a 70% ratio are the most fertile. These women are the most attractive.

In the past, being fat was a sign of wealth. This was because the rich could afford to eat well. In those days women with voluptuous curves were deemed the most attractive. This is not true anymore. Women are getting skinnier and skinnier by the year and some even look ill. This is supposed to be sexy? I don’t know, but when you can see every bone in a girl’s body and she looks like she’ll break if you hug her, that doesn't spell sexy to me. Unfortunately, this is the message that magazines and movies send to the impressionable young girls. Looking like that is not achieved easily by most. A very small percentage of women can look like a super model naturally.

I digress. My point is that you can find a guy that ticks all your boxes on your list. Yes, most girls have one, I just admit to having one. But then, the spark just isn't there. No chemistry. Does this mean that my cave (wo)man instinct kicked in and is trying to stop me from mating with someone who will not produce super offspring? If that is true, then why can people when inebriated, “mate” with most anyone? Does alcohol really inhibit even our instincts and cause our pheromone preceptors to go all hay wire? And then sometimes you may meet the perfect person who even ticks the chemistry box, with no alcohol needed, and their instinct may not reciprocate yours. What then??? I have realised that is way harder to find someone with whom your pheromones get on with.

I may be surprised and the person this does happen with, may not tick any of my boxes, and I may not care.

Fairy Tale?

2011-03-16T18:16:00.005Z

The women of our generation are brought up completely oblivious and with unrealistic expectations about relationships.

When we were little girls, our mom's read fairy tales to us as bedtime stories. These almost always had the same story line. Helpless princess, she's in distress and out of nowhere a handsome prince/knight saves her. He confesses his undying love to her and they get married. Happily ever after. We grow up believing that some dapper young man, will be our prince/knight when we grow up. Is the problem that we (women) these days, tend to not get in distress so often? And when we do, we have the means and the know how to get ourselves out of the situation? Men have become somewhat redundant on that level. Personally, I have many male friends who would, if I need them too, help me in these situations.

As we get older, we realise that the fairy tale may not happen. There may not be a prince/knight waiting or looking for us. Or rather our idea of this person. Sometimes we meet someone who we think may just be, and when they do not live up to the idea of who we think they are, we get disappointed.

We get a bit jaded. But as adults we have our own fairy tales. These are called "Romcoms". Yes, romantic movies. These also have a predictable story line. Single jaded girl meets man. Along the way she falls in love with unlikely man. They live happily ever after. These movies give us hope and we get addicted to the idea that this is possible.

But is it? In this day and age, where gender is so non specific, are there princes/knights still looking for their princesses? Or have they become just as jaded as we are? Are men intimidated by the princess who can walk the walk and talk the talk?

That is my two cents for today.

Tipsy ramblings

2011-03-07T19:59:00.003Z

Before I start, I feel compelled to tell you that I have consumed two units of alcohol and a cup of tea. By no means does this mean that my opinions differ from when I am sober, but perhaps that I aren't quite as articulate as I should be.

A friend and I got caught up in conversation about the bachelor and the bachelorette. Yes, the television show. It sounds trivial, but it does address some primitive and age old themes. Is it possible to be in love, or love more than one person at a time? Or does these shows promulgate a notion that this is normal? I am of the opinion, that it is very possible for one to have deep, romantic feelings for more than one person at a time. It is whether you act on these feelings, that matter. A lot of things come into play when deciding on this, obviously. Levels of propriety and situation being just two of these. My friend again feels the complete opposite and thinks that one cannot have feelings for someone else, until you are completely over whomever you have feelings for currently. I suppose in a way he is right. I don't think you can have the same feelings for two people at the same time, but you can have equally strong, but different, feelings. This, by no means, trivialises one or the other.

The notion that one woman/man can date, and have legitimate relationships with various people on these shows, and claim to have feelings for them, is not so far fetched. I call it the controlled environment. If you are placed in a house with only one woman/man for company for eight weeks, feelings are inevitable to develop. Their sole reason for being there is to win the affections of the woman/man. Everything is intensified.

In real life this also occurs, just at more of a snail's pace. We all date, at one time or another. We date more than one person at a time, they just don't know of each other. This is how we get to know the possible suitor, weed out the ones we have commonalities with and who's company we desire and enjoy. The only difference is, we don't have a deadline, or a film crew and an audience judging our every move.

I am a self confessed jaded modern woman, who love the old fashioned ways. I want to be courted and woed and I want to feel persued, desired and made to feel a woman. Unfortunately there are not a lot of men out there willing to be, well, old fashioned gentlemen.

Thus ends my half tipsy ramblings for tonight. Let me know what you think.

The Nerd Herd

2011-02-16T16:21:00.002Z

The urban dictionary defines the term nerd as:

An 'individual', i.e. a person who does not conform to society's beliefs that all people should follow trends and do what their peers do. It waffles on, but I liked this bit the most. This may explain my obsession with nerds, from a young age.

The sexiest part of a man is his intellect, I love learning new things. I consider myself as a bit of a nerd myself, as I too do not follow the trends of my peers. And I am a bit of a nerd groupie! I confess.

I recently realised that a lot of women love nerds. I wonder, is this a new trend? If it is, does this mean a nerd is not a nerd anymore, as by definition they are not trendy? So that must mean that the “stupid but hot men” are not so much in demand anymore. This must be nature’s way of getting the good genes back into play. We need more intellectual kids, otherwise the world will be run by idiots! It makes me worry too. I used to be one of a minority of women who liked nerds, and therefore did not have too much competition. Now, it seems, I have loads of women to compete against.

I know that my *nork is out there, he will find his way to me. And there will be no competition.

Hurry please!!!

*nork – a person that is a dork and a nerd.

Petty little people.

2011-02-02T16:27:00.003Z

The age at which one becomes an adult, legally that is, is 18 where I come from. This is when you can sign a contract, consume alcohol and drive a car. All of these afford you with certain responsibilities. The authorities who decided on this age, was under the (mis) impression that people start acting responsible at this age. As if a switch is flicked the moment you turn 18.

I would like to know what criteria they based this on? I can imagine a survey being carried out, where men with clipboards stop countless pimply faced teenagers (18 year olds, yes, they are still teenagers) and asking them random questions on responsibility. I wonder what questions that would be? “who irons your clothes?”, “who does your laundry and cooks your meals?” surely 90% of the time, the answer would be “mom”. Based on that, who decided that the hormone infused teeny boppers are qualified to drive around without a chaperone or consume alcohol…..and doing both simultaneously at times?

I digress. The point I want to get at is, when do “adults” become adults? As far as I can tell, some people never grow up, some are born grown ups and others mature at a steady rate. When do we qualify as being mature?

Recently I came across a situation where a person was not only immature about a situation, but also quite fake leading up to it. Instead of being a grown up and discussing the situation with me, the person discussed it with someone else, not to me, but someone else. Of course I found out! And so many people got involved. That’s another thing. Why can’t people stay out of other people’s business? If it doesn't concern them, why get involved? I am quite frankly too busy sorting my own business to want to have more admin with that of another’s. Maybe I just can’t give a crap if it doesn't involve me. I think it’s also a maturity thing.

I don’t know. What do you think? Do you consider yourself a grown up and why?

Men do not drink pink drinks.

2011-01-30T17:26:00.003Z

This is the year 2011 right? I thought we fought the war for equality decades ago. Or was that just for women to gain equality with men? I always thought that would go both ways in any case. I seem to have been mistaken. There is apparently a difference between women being equal to men and men being equal to women.

Women can wear trousers; we can vote and be big shot bosses of big corporations. We can choose to be single and childless all for the sake of our careers. We can drink beer out of a bottle and not raise eyebrows and we can be just as crude as men. This doesn't make us ladies, by any measure, but it does get us an invitation into the boy’s club.

If women can do all of that, why do men still get mocked and teased by their peers for drinking pink drinks, drinks with umbrellas and wearing salmon (pink) coloured shirts? Many men like all these, but feel the need to hide this and do it on the sly. If we can join the boy’s club, why can’t they join the girl’s club? Is this not the era of the metro man? Men who uses face creams and have manicures?

On that note, a question. Has there been a role reversal amongst men and women? Women have more confidence to go after what they want, be clear about it and not get emotionally involved (when they so choose) with men. These were always characteristics displayed by men. Lately I found that more men do not go after what they want, some do not know what they want….and tend to get more emotionally involved than women.

This leads to another question. Are there definite gender roles anymore? Or are we who we choose to be? And not defined by gender anymore?

The List

2011-01-19T14:47:00.004Z

I was having a chat with a female friend recently about what we look for in men. What is on our "potential partner check list"? It made me think. I am at that age, where I am looking for more than a chiselled jaw line, sexy bum and great hair.

I am looking for someone who has the potential to be my companion, my lover, my best friend and someone who can provide me with a solid future.

This is my core list:

a quirky sense of humour - cos I am quirky.
trustworthy
direction
decisive
not clingy
smart/intelligent
good teeth - I am totally a teeth girl!

Is it unfair of me to want it all? Or do I have to give on some of these? I don't think it's unreasonable to want all of this, and have it in all in a cute/quirky package who looks at me like I'm the only girl in the world - and make my knees buckle in the process.

What's on your list?

Seriously???

2011-01-09T19:58:00.002Z

Ok, I am upset.

Just because your cable doesn't want to sync now, doesn't mean I broke it. But I now need to replace it anyways, cos you are convinced it was me. I didn't make you replace my tom tom. It still isn't working like it used to after I lent it to you!!! But I just didn't say anything. Won't make that mistake again!!

In 2010:

2011-01-02T17:36:00.004Z

I learnt that 4 people living together can become a surrogate family to one another and I gained a new “brother” and 2 “sisters”.

I learnt that it was very difficult for me to say good bye to a foreign country and all the lovely mates I made…..I generally don’t have a difficult time to say good bye. I generally just block things out. But I cried like a baby!!!!

I learnt that it is more difficult for me to adjust to a country I lived in nearly all my life than it was for me to adjust to a foreign country. What does that mean?

I learnt that being closer to 30 than 20 means that I can’t hold my drink as well and really shouldn't have a big night out any more.

I learnt that being closer to 30 than 20 has forced me to be more mature and grown up, however boring that may be.

I learnt that I was a nerd all my life, but am now embracing it and loving it.

I learnt that the opinion of others really shouldn't count more than your own…about anything.

In 2010 I learnt that I can be a sex and the city girl and be ok with it.

I learnt that I am a good/loyal friend and that not all the people I considered to be friends, were really my friends.

I learnt that the betrayal of a close friend is more hurtful than the betrayal of a boyfriend.

I learnt not to be reckless with my feelings and nor with those of others.

What have you learnt in 2010????

December

2010-12-21T17:47:00.006Z

I have been nostalgic the last couple of days. I am back in S.A. for Christmas season for the first time in two years. Let me explain December in S.A.: It's hot, it's summer, and this year it's also raining quite a lot. We are having mini floods. Let me explain something else. I do not like heat!!! I loved the the UK because it was never too hot! December was filled with snow. I miss that.

I miss my friends, my mini family.

Still adjusting. Getting there.

Today

2010-12-14T17:35:00.001Z

Today was a great day at the office. I really like that we are such an awesome team. We laugh together a lot. :)

2010-11-20T12:27:00.002Z

Today is one of those. I miss London, very much. I miss having my friends around me. I miss being part of that world.

mmmm

2010-10-04T10:21:00.003+01:00

I always seem to screw things up i really want! i get all suspicious and weird, and read into things i really shouldn't. and then in the end, i cause problems! maybe not this time, i am going to make sure i stay cool....mmm...let you know how that goes.

Today i am having a study day! i am so behind in my work and exams are a couple of weeks away. i live in denial....thinking it's further away, but it really isn't.

i just need to stay calm and study!

What do you say?

2010-10-01T15:40:00.003+01:00

Some of my friends think it weird that i am still friends with certain ex boyfriends. I have them as friends on fb and we are in contact via other modes of communication. I will be honest, we haven't always had this kind of relationships, it took time. but now we are friends. is that weird? i would like some opinions on this please.

Old and New

2010-09-25T15:05:00.006+01:00

I was a bit nervous for the developments of yesterday. I was invited to a dear old friend's house for her baby's 1st birthday party. Some of you may know that I au paired for years, but I only look after kids 6 years +.

Being a single girl in her late 20's is not bad, I quite enjoy the freedom of not having a family, but sometimes people make you feel as if you must be doing something wrong!

On my arrival, I was handed a glass of champaign, which was topped up all the time...this helped. Another old varsity friend was there, I haven't seen her for years. I was delighted, she has now moved up to Jhb and am sure we'll hang out often. We met another girl, who we decided on the spot, we want to be friends with. That was us...the only singletons there!

I had a lovely time! Caught up with old friends and made a new one.

She kind of convinced us to sign up to an internet dating site! she's having a roaring time, having 5 dates this week already! She says some men are very weird and boring, one even took on the Barney character, and her not knowing the show, just thought him weird referring to himself as awesome all the time...HAHA....this could be a laugh!

I wonder if I should join??? Any thoughts???

The old days...

2010-08-28T19:42:00.001+01:00

I have been home now for about a month. Moving back into my mom’s home has been an adjustment, to say the least. I am back in my juvenile bedroom, filled with reminders of the young me. Photos and books and then I found it! An old photo diary kept about five years ago. The concept was pretty simple…incorporate my private thoughts and experiences with photos. I had such a good time going through it. I should really start again…was lovely seeing pics of old friends and boyfriends and of course the younger me!

It’s nice to be reminded of the carefree student days…where the most responsibly one had, was to get your bum to class….

I had to laugh at some hairstyles though!!

The Trip home....

2010-07-28T18:31:00.002+01:00

I am back in South Africa!!!!

My trip was quite eventful though, and I would like to share it with you. I felt as if I was in a sitcom for a while there.

As you guys know I like to be early or on time for most things, and for a flight I try to be super early…. I was at the airport just after 16h00 and had loads of time as I could only start boarding at 18h00. Booking in my bags was easy enough so I headed to security where they informed me that according to the system they want to see me at the assistance desks again…this is where I already started thinking uh oh…..i still have no idea why I was called back, but that didn’t take too long. Back to security I went, where a man making sure I put all my girly potions in my carry on in plastic bags, was very surprised that I only had two tubes of lip glosses and lip balm with me, as if I’m not girly….oh well, moving on….the metal detector then chose me for a random search…oh how I love being searched by a stranger (she says with sarcasm).

I had about an hour until boarding, I decided to have a little snack and later I was very glad I did indeed.

The gates opened much later than they should have, and finally on the plane, I was seated next to the most annoying Dutchman…not an Afrikaans guy, an actual Dutch guy, whose sister was two rows in front and kept shouting to communicate with her. He then turned his interest to me. Now, I have the same principles on a plane than I do on the tube: no eye contact, I don’t speak that language! As I was reading a paper I couldn’t play the language card, but I did ignore him. I am sorry, but I like my own time when travelling. Please respects the fact that if I don’t answer you the first time, I won’t engage in conversation the more persistent you get. He got angry and made some very rude remark. I was so happy when the steward found seating for him and his sister together and he moved away.

By this time the Captain informs us that four passengers didn’t make it onto the flight, but their luggage was already packed in and we’d have to wait for the bags to be taken off the plane….arrrrggg, we were already late for take off….the best was when the Captain announced that the plane lost an engine, and not to worry, it’s an auxiliary engine, only needed for take off. Call me silly, but isn’t that quite important??? They basically had to jumpstart the plane….we took of an hour and a half late. I was starving!!!!! Very happy I had that snack earlier.

The veggie meal was….wait for it….spinach and mushroom risotto….for those of you who don’t know, I really don’t like mushrooms! I was so hungry I even ate that!

Quite late into the evening, I really needed to use the loo. I had a window seat and the man in the isle seat, was fast asleep. I tried very gently, then more forcefully to wake him, even the Chinese guy on the opposite side of the isle tried to help me…no waking this guy. My only way out was climbing over him!

The Chinese dude took his earphones from his tray table and I put the table up…now I needed to consider carefully how I was going to do this. If I climbed over him facing him and I fell, it would look like I am trying it on with him, what a wake up call!!! So I decide to do it the other way around, but not much better as my bum would be in his face…I climbed over perfectly, he didn’t even wake up. It was quite another story getting back to my seat, when he did wake up when I was halfway through my climb. Oh well!!!

Flight arrived an hour late, but made it back…

And that was my trip….

Study time.....

2010-04-28T14:21:00.002+01:00

While i was trying to motivate myself to study this morning, i decided to create a study play list on spotify. and a great one it is. i have forgotten how much i love Maria Mena. i love her lyrics. hopefully she'll help me pass my exams that are looming.

As most of you know, i hold my friends, and everyone important in my life (including myself) to impossible standards. this is not always good. rarely good. i have a habit of putting said people on high pedestals, and it really is hard work for them to stay there. they (and I) often let me down. i tend to forget that we are all just human, with faults and imperfections and needs.

So many people let me down all the time. i have come to realise that this is to no fault of their own, but my expectations of them. i tend to get disappointed and have also learnt the art of "blocking" people out, as if i have never known them. this is my self protection kicking in, protecting myself from getting hurt by various people. people make promises all the time, promises that they usually break. why do people say things that may not be true anymore in the future? like: "i'll never leave you", and "no matter how hard you push me away, i',m not going anywhere".....they invariably leave and they do go away. this is logic...so why say those things????

This is something i need to work on, and am trying. Please be patient!!!!

Maria Mena All This Time (Pick-Me-Up Song) Lyrics:
You self destructive,
Little girl.
Pick yourself up,
Don't blame the world.
So you screwed up,
But you're gonna be okay.

Now call your boyfriend,
And apologize.
You pushed him pretty far
Away last night.
He really loves you,
You just don't always
love yourself.

And all this time,
Ohh-oh, all this time,
You have had it in you,
You just sometimes need a push.
(La la la la la)
All this time,
Ohh-oh, all this time,
You have had it in you,
You just sometimes need a push.

(La la la la la)

Think all the mean girls,
That pulled your hair,
Are barefoot now,
And pregnant dear,
And you write pop songs,
And get to travel
around the world.

And all this time,
Ohh-oh, all this time,
You have had it in you,
You just sometimes need a push.
(La la la la la)
And all this time,
Ohh-oh, all this time,
You have had it in you,
You just sometimes need a push.

(La la la la la)

So you've had some detours,
Some stupid men.
Now we know what not
To do again.
Besides you lucked out,
Finally.

And all this time
(all this time)
Ohh-oh, all this time
(all this time)
You have had it in you,
You just sometimes need a push.
(La la la la la)
And all this time
(all this time)
Ohh-oh, all this time
(all this time)
You have had it in you,
You just sometimes need a push.

(La la la la la)

All this time,
Oh, all this time,
You've had it in you,
You just sometimes need a push.
(La la la la la)
(All this time)
(All this time)
(La la la la la)

let down

2010-04-07T12:10:00.004+01:00

Ok, i am very let down today, although that is a daily occurrence, but this time it is in the fashion line i was raving about a couple of days ago! i was so excited to get up close and personal with the garden range from H&M today. when i saw the pieces, my heart plummeted. the range is so beautiful in the clip online, up close the materials are not flattering at all, nor the cuts. ahhh noooo.

the nautical ranges out there are still gorgeous and the clean lines flattering. throw on anything with a stripe in it and you're in. the return of denim is also big....i think i'll stay clear of most florals this spring! Check out the Marks and Spencer lines!

Wow

2010-04-04T18:33:00.004+01:00

I bought my favourite magazine yesterday, Grazia, and found a very interesting, thought provoking article inside. At a Chinese University March 7th and 8th is "girl's day" for the university's female students. Each girl gets given a blank card and asked to write a wish on it, then post it on the University's wish wall they have cleared for this reason. The male to female ratio is 25:1 there....awesome!!! although i already find the dating world turbulent!!!! A first year student put this on her wish card:

“My name is Zhang Mengqian, a grade one student, and I think I am attractive, but strangely I can’t find a boyfriend. However I believe in destiny. If you have the same wish, please come under my dormitory building and shout for my name in between 12:30 to 12:50 on March 11th, and I will observe you secretly up on the building. If you’re my type, I’ll come down to meet you.”

Boys from even other Universities showed up. 2000 men showed up. And guess what? she didn't like the look of any of them. She's still single.

This made me think: "what's wrong with her? she didn't like one of them???? 2000 interested men". Every girl's dream right? Then i started thinking of how many men my single friends and i have met and rejected over the years? and if we get all of them together, how many would there be? something worth thinking about......i have been dating since i was 16, that makes 12 years of going on first dates, rarely going on second or third ones, wondering if there are normal, nice, non-jerk guys out there. and then there were the few occasions when i met a boy i connected with, who got my sense of humour and found my annoying habits enduring.....and i just knew i had to be with this boy all the chances i can get, and when i wasn't with him, i was thinking about him.....even once i thought my search for my perfect match was over, this was my future, all neatly bundled up in a very attractive, smart and amazing boy. this wasn't true, and i was left having to go through all the first dates again, and the wondering again, but this time with less enthusiasm. This is when i most of the time wish that i have some lemon law cards with me...if you don't know what this is, read on:

The Lemon Law may be invoked if, at any point during the initial five minutes (300 seconds) of a first date, either party deems the union hopeless and elects to abort said date in the interest of time and/or self-respect. Receipt of this card hereby absolves the Giver from any "Hard feelings" or "Questions" from the Lemon Lawyee relevant to the discontinuance of the date, which may be terminated for any reason including, but not limited to: tawdry attire, breath, homeliness, misplaced/excessive body hair, Long Island accent, public school education, bad credit, no credit, suspicious odor(s).

Addenda

(i) Giver may waive the Lemon Law should Lemon Lawyee immediately consent to a no-strings attached "Stand" duration of which shall be no longer that one (1) night.
(ii) The terms of this agreement are non exclusively transferable, in deference to the emergence of the Lemon Law as a "Thing."
(iii) In the unlikely event of a simultaneous invocation, parties shall exact one (1) "High Five" with neither party officially assuming credit for the Lemon Law issuance.

This is perfect....as sometimes i do feel like i am sooo wasting my time! In the words of Charlotte, Sex and the City, " I am tired of dating, when is he going to come along?"...I think most single girls feel this way.

My search continues....keep you posted...
I will say this: i am having loads of fun looking for my perfect, weird match....

Spring Fashion

2010-03-31T15:14:00.003+01:00

Spring is in full bloom, well almost, in the UK and i am loving everything about it. The weather, yes i do, it's not too hot and not too cold and it rains often......i love it!

to ad to my excitement for this season, is the fashion! the fashion is beautiful, garden inspired ranges, very feminine and girly, in soft materials, a lot of dresses! then there's also the nautically inspired ranges.

All in all, it is a season of fun, super girly and pretty. H&M has a splendid garden range out at the moment. Check out the line: http://www.hm.com/gb/#/gardencollection/. I am in love with all things Spring!

The Weekend

2010-03-29T11:00:00.002+01:00

I had the weekend off. The first one in a long, long time. I had forgotten what a weekend is. Forgotten that it is the most relaxing two days of the week. I was able to do all the weekendy things. Have a stroll, catch up with friends, take a nap and just generally do things as and when i please. mmmm, i really need a Monday to Friday job!

The last couple of weeks....

2010-03-24T00:11:00.005Z

The last couple of weeks have been pretty rough for me. I have been through a lot and realised a lot about my resilience and strength of character.

I have been mugged, violently enough to leave me with some mental scars, luckily no physical scars. i was devastated and had obviously lost all that was with me....a lot of monetary value, but also of sentimental value. i was quite surprised that i found myself going to work the very next day. yet another event that "just made me stronger", i suppose....

i have had a friend do a sh!tty (there is no polite word to replace it) thing to me, and just because a person tells you they are about to do a sh!tty thing to you, doesn't make it better! regardless, i took it in my stride. although, i was disappointed, as promises were made and broken. i have also realised that i set very high standards, not only for myself, but for everyone in my life. this is kind of unfair. it is difficult for everyone to stay on those pedestals, and i am disappointed by people a lot. this means they fall, and i see them in a different way after. i hate being disappointed, and in turn get upset with myself because i expect so much from everyone.

my exams are in a few weeks time and i am trying to find time in my crazy work schedule to study. i miss my friends because of my schedule. i did not forget or abandon you guys! i do think of you often....

i am just trying to pick up the pieces of my muddled life at the moment. baby steps....i am getting there.

Blue Monday

2010-03-01T10:11:00.002Z

It is a blue Monday. I am still feeling blaaaggghhh.... i am stressed, overworked and feeling a tad helpless. Hopefully this feeling will subside, and i'll get back to being my usual happy self again...

girls together

2010-02-15T16:33:00.004Z

I have to apologise for not writing for a while. I've been feeling a little uninspired of late. All i seem to do is work. and when i'm not working, i try to catch up on sleep, see some friends and just relaxing in general.

I have gone out a few times in the last couple of weeks though and have some lovely pics to show for it.

The Blog Challenge...

2010-02-03T11:56:00.002Z

Hi guys, a friend of mine sent me a link to this blog, and on it was this challenge... so i decided to give it a go....

Todays blog challenge is simple. Copy the bolded letters and paste them onto your blog or in the comment section and then complete whatever comes to mind

If I could i would be a ballerina

In my kitchen cupboard is tea, biscuits, bread, peanut butter..etc...

On my desk is my laptop and my study material

Image in my head is one of finding what i love to do and actually doing it for a living

In the middle of my to do list is to do more laundry

I am dreading pancake day...the busiest day of the year at work...

Right now I want to be happy and focus on what makes me happy

I think therefore i am

Going to have a nap soon....

Too old to party down?

2010-01-27T19:43:00.002Z

My friends and I had a big party weekend. Thanks to Tash having a birthday last week. It all started quite awkwardly as she brought together different social groups. she was nervous, cos she didnt know if everyone would get along and we were nervous because we had the same worries.
it all went well, and i met great new friends, i suppose we are all basically similar if we all friends with Tash.

i was working Saturday morning and thus was planning on only staying until midnight. i ended up staying until the lights came on. had so much fun.

saturday night was another night out. this time we went somewhere else, and even one of the
girls i met friday came along....whoo hoo....loads of dancing and drinking and fun.

i ended up in a cab after the club closed with my flatmate, on the way to a house party...at 2am...the party wasnt that good anymore, i mean many people already left or was wasted...we tried to get another cab home, but couldnt find one...and then realised we had no idea where we were....we went into an hotel asking reception to phone a cab for us. got home at 4am....

i havent partied this way in a long time. i yet again realised that partying with my girlfriends are fun and stress free....

mwaaaaaa.

Resolutions 2010?

2010-01-03T21:51:00.002Z

So i was wondering about what the big deal with NY eves are. Seriously, every year it is this huge build up and it all end up to be kind of disappointing. It usually turns out to be a party night like any other party night of the year....except midnight is a good excuse to kiss the crush without having to have a reason....

I have had some memorable NY eves though. One year I was dancing in an open grassy patch on a farm with my then new bf. The awesome thing about it was that we were the only two there, everyone else was far away at the party....and we were dancing to beats of our hearts and laughing the night away. Another memorable one was spending the night at a friend's and trying to bust some friends getting down and dirty upstairs, with cameras of course.....lol....

This year, due to the fact that i was sick, and was working NY day, i decided to not go out in -6 degree weather and snow, and stay in and get better. it was the tv and tea for me. You know what? it was nice, just what i needed. And i'll party soon, and i'll have my own NY party!!!

2009, was trying for me, was not the best for me....so here's to 2010!!!

the week after the weekend...

2009-12-29T19:24:00.002Z

the weekend with Michael was great. there's nothing better than spending time with someone who has known you for soooo long that they can guess what you're thinking. and no silent moment is uncomfortable because they understand that sometimes i need to be quiet, and for everyone else around me to be too...and not make it awkward. we ate a lot, drank quite a lot and watched a lot of movies...took some walks and just spent some time together....

and now it's back to reality and work...

Not much to say today....

2009-12-24T07:58:00.009Z

It is the day before Christmas and I have 4 days off....about time, as I am super tired and don't know if i could've made another couple of days....Michael is arriving tonight from Norwich and staying until Sunday. i haven't seen him since i got back to the UK. Michael and i met 6 years ago and have been close friends ever since. we used to play tennis and eat ice cream together....

This picture is not a very good one....but it is so pretty there....it is a square close to where i work...and it was snowing....

it has been a challenge not to fall down whilst walking in the snow...the ice makes it a bit tricky.

The picture of the pancake was my lunch, but actually sort of dinner at work last night. a huge pancake with artichokes, sun dried tomatoes, olives and cheese....mmm, although all i do the last week is eat, and the guys at work also make sure that i always have food in front of me, i think they are trying to make me fat...i really need to stop it though.....

oh well.....

Very lazy..and probably gaining weight

2009-12-16T12:40:00.002Z

I am super lazy today. was supposed to head out....but i am doing laundry, eating a lot of biscuits and lying on the couch. this is what today is supposed to be like....
mmmm.....

Demotivated Saturday

2009-12-12T18:12:00.002Z

Today started off bad, as in my mood was dark. i worked early this morning. when my alarm went off this morning, i was unhappy, and i was on the brink of tears....just wanted to sleep. i've been working too hard, and my body is tired. but i proved yet again that the right attitude will get you far. i put on a smile and went to work, and decided to focus on the job at hand and just to enjoy. my mood lifted and the day flew by. I get to do it all again tomorrw...

sleepy morning in London...

2009-12-11T10:12:00.004Z

Today is my first day off work in 8 days, and 10 shifts i may add. we are a bit understaffed and hence i am working a bit more. But i have to admit i have been working with some super fun teams this last long week, so it wasn't that bad, been having fun at work too.

I am very grateful for being able to sleep in this morning. at the moment i am listening to lastfm and contemplating breakfast. yummy. i have to do shopping today, and i really don't like shopping, i am probably the only girl that doesn't....oh well....

the pictures are of the decorations at work. i really like it as it is different from all the other shops on the street, but my boss nearly had a heart attack as he wanted something "normal", but convinced him to keep it.

i miss ross day!

2009-12-06T18:28:00.005Z

today i'm having an "i miss ross day"...

let me give you guys some background before i start. i have 2 bffs...one a girl, and one a guy. this is about my guy bff...ross...

we met in our first year at university when we were both lost and couldn't find our accounting class, we decided to stop looking for the class and head to the student center and play pool rather, and the boy had skittles (sweets) so i would have followed him anywhere!!

we were pretty much inseparable since then, and spent about 98% of every waking moment together, until he left for Thailand....sad sad day....but that's another story.

he is the one person i can tell anything to, and i know he won't judge, ask too many questions or make me doubt myself...unless he thinks i should, that is...today i miss him, because i have a lot on my mind, a lot of things i need to vent about and get a (un)biased opinion on, and there is no one else i want to trust with my thoughts today!

Ring ring, beep beep...

2009-12-04T08:38:00.005Z

I have a weird relationship with my mobile (cell) phone. Though i do not like it much, mainly because people can get hold of me no matter where i am, thus i ignore it a lot or leave it somewhere out of earshot many a time, i do still crave the little excitement it brings out in me everytime it beeps or rings. that meant that yesterday was a bit trying at work for me.

i had a double shift and on the bus over, i realised that my phone was where i still longed to be...in my warm bed! i thought i'd be relieved, but no, i wasn't, a little panic set in, like a junkie waiting for his next fix. the day dragged by, although my team yesterday was very entertaining!!! i still kept wondering who might be looking for me. to be honest, my phone does not see that much action, so rationally i knew that i would probably have one lonely text waiting for me when i return home. but some part of me couldnt help wondering if today it would be different. when i got back to my phone last night, i had three texts...yeah...

Fake it 'till you make it.

2009-12-02T12:08:00.000Z

Sometimes i wonder who i would have been, and where i would have been, and with whom i would have been, for that matter, right now, if i had made different decisions. if i have not been so impulsive and so over analytical at other times, would i be the same person i am now??

All the what ifs start creeping in....what if i had studied harder and played less at varsity? what if i said yes to the boyfriend who wanted to elope? what if i got married at 21 just because it was the easy way out? what if i thought with my head instead of my heart before giving up a sparkling career and a wonderful life before following my (ex) boyfriend to a foreign country? would i have been happier? had a better career? had children by now? a few pounds heavier? or an alcoholic????

Sometimes i wonder these things...makes me a bit sad....
Then i remind myself that all happens for a reason, and that it all should've happened, and i just need to make the best of it.....Fake it 'till you make it!!!

Why do i wake sleeping dogs?

2009-12-01T23:45:00.000Z

I have been a good girl, well a better girl, for the last couple of years. I have seen the errors of my ways all those years ago, and made the decision to stop being reckless, think of the consequences of my actions and above all, be a good girl. I decided to do this mainly to uncomplicate my life....because spending too much time wondering when the man of my dreams will leave his girlfriend and be with me, was wasting way too much energy.....or wondering when the girlfriend in question will find out about me and expose me for the bad girl i am, fraying my nerves too much....

Alas, I am a bit of a drama princess and when my life is too easy going and uncomplicated, i somehow find a way to complicate it...it is as if i am addicted to the drama of it all. i am a culprit of not letting go of memories of the ex boyfriends...well, the special ones anyways....and for some reason they are still on those pedestals i placed them, and to be honest, romanticise our past relationships a bit too much, probably to what i wanted it to be, instead of what it was....so therefore i have a bit of a bad girl relapse every now and then...more then than now, i must admit....when i see one of these very few special men....

This last weekend was one of those. We'll call him " young one "...as he was younger than i...still is quite frankly...Young one came to town this weekend, and was the first time we spent time together since we broke up all those years ago. in hindsight, maybe spending time with him was not such a good idea, as i realised that i still have feelings for him...oh no....and worse, i think he feels it too...so here we are, known for our bad timing, no better this time, by the way, upset and sad....

So what's a girl to do?????